'What was that noise said Andrew the nurse? I think It was a loud bang I'll go have a look.
hey whats the grey stuff in the distance' as Andrew walks closer he sees what it is.
'Andrew gasped I need get back to my patients to warn them about it, hey it happened again yelled Andrew. About two minutes later Andrew made it to the patients. "guys you need to get off the ship did you hear the bang asked Andrew ? 'No replied the patients well we need to hurry' OK replied the patients as they left the doctors waiting room. Then most people notice and start getting to the life boats And then Andrew got all the nurses and crew to evacuate. Then a few seconds later the ship tilted and one of the life boats broke. lucky that there was still enough for everyone started going crazy so crew had to cool everyone down. then about half the life boats were full . "come on everybody we need to excavate the ship" said Andrew helping the last people on the ship to get on the life boats. we all made it in time.
Kia Ora e hoa,
ReplyDeleteI'm really pleased to read this well-structured piece of writing, you've done a really fantastic job and I think that you should be incredibly proud of yourself. I love the creativity that has gone in to this! The only criticism that I have for you Andrew is punctuation such as speech marks, for example: Andrew gasped, "I need to get back to my patients to warn them about it!" He yelled, "Hey, it happened again!"
You've done a truly spectacular job here Andrew, and I know that punctuation can be a tricky part of English to master, but as soon as you've got that mastered, I don't doubt that you will be one of our future writers in Aotearoa.
Keep up the great mahi!
Cheers,
Jordan.